WHY do WOMEN STAY ???
All women want the violence to end; many do not want the relationship to end. Why women stay in abusive relationships is the wrong question. The questions we should be asking are: How are men controlling their partners? Why does the community allow the abuse to continue? How can we be helpful to women in the process of leaving? A common mistake in understanding domestic violence is to scrutinize the survivor and avoid looking at the perpetrator - espcially in patriacle communities. People believe that if battered women REALLY wanted to leave they could just get up and go. Many people overlook the environmental barriers that prevent women from leaving and too often focus on psychological "characteristics" of women instead. Although men’s violence is the crucial question, many people wonder why women stay – and advocates of battered women have made the following suggestions.
Assailants use psychological torts and abuse to break down the victims' will to resist and bring them under control; batterers employ knowledge gained in an intimate relationship to attack the woman's spirit, her sense of self worth ultimately weakening the capacity to resist him.
Some battered women are forced to stay because they can't afford justice. Getting a personal protection may require getting a lawyer -- which usually requires money. Legal aid offices may not necessarily handle matters at hand and many do not have the resources. Major cuts to legal services have hindered the limited options for legal redress. The assailant and/or his family members may have told her that they will hire a skilled attorney who will discredit and destabilizer her, putting into question her mental stability - which will ensure she looses her credibilty and children, if any.
Battered women sometimes stay for their children, so their abusive partner will not get custody. Some survivors reason that they will sacrifice themselves so their children can have a father, good schools, a safe neighborhood or have financial security.
Some battered women stay because there is no place for them to go and can't afford to live on their own. Shelters may not be the answer; their funding is in constant danger, vulnerable to attacks from groups believing they are "destroying the family" or are "anti-male." Women face discrimination in the rental market and landlords are often reluctant to rent to formerly battered women, believing that their assailant will show up and cause property damage or physical harm. The assailant often deliberately sabotages his partner's credibility (or prevents her from establishing one at all).
Some battered women stay because they are not given accurate information about battering. They are told by family and friends who will not wrong the perpetrator, that it is their fault for giving him a reason to get angry. They are told that they are codependent or enable his behavior – if they would change, then their assailants would. Women then endlessly attempt to modify their behavior only to watch the violence worsen and then find themselves blamed for not trying hard enough.
Some battered women stay because they believe what most people in our society think about battered women: they imagine or exaggerate the violence; they provoke or are to blame for the violence; they all come from poor, uneducated, or minority backgrounds; their partner just has a problem controlling his anger or stress or; unemployment problems have caused the battering. If the woman goes for help to family, friends or professionals who believe these myths, they will suggest ideas that will not work and make it harder for her to escape; and if there is police corruption enabling the violence, the only way out is by the power of plenty (public support), which in fear of involvement is often not granted.
Some battered women stay because of isolation; people who are in trouble need the aid of friends, co workers and professionals to weather the crisis and make the best decisions for themselves. Many assailants are cunning and very calculating; they look for opportunities to make false accusations to ensure a negative reaction for an excuise to continue the abuse; while they are the perpertrators, they behave like the victum, effectively manipulating the audience; they are commonly unfaithful and justify infidelity with the blame game. Assailants methodically drive friends and family away on constructive grounds.
Some battered women stay because they believe in love and they still love their partners. This is hard for people who have not been battered to understand. However, many people have been in difficult relationships (or jobs) they that knew they should leave, but couldn't, or needed time to be able to depart. Love is glorified in our culture. Popular songs and movies reinforce the idea that love is the most important thing in life and people (especially women) should do anything for it. Women may love their partners, and at the same time hate their violent and abusive actions. Battered women need to be reminded that she does not have to stop loving her assailant in order to leave. Some women may be troubled about making it on their own and being lonely; lonliness often entraps good women into the abusive, addictive cycle of domestic violence. Leaving a batterer may mean enduring feelings of grief and loss from abandoning a circle of friends, family, a neighborhood and a community.
Some battered women stay because they believe what their assailant is telling them:
· "You're paranoid, crazy and stupid. No one will believe you." Or, "You're the one that's sick. You need professional help, I never had a problem before I met you.''
· "I know the judge; he won't put me in jail." Or, "The police will never arrest me, they are on my side."
· "If you leave, I'll get custody because you'll have abandoned me and the kids."
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At the same time, assailants often play on their partners concern for their well being through threats of suicide or exaggerating the devastating effects of prison. (In fact, convictions are rare, and usually for misdemeanors that carry a sentence of counseling. Assailants may tell their partners that shelters are lesbian recruiting stations, staffed by lesbians.
Some battered women stay because they are addicted to the abuse and their addiction prevents them from taking action. Their assailant encourages or coerces them into using alcohol or drugs, and/or sabotages recovery by way of manipulation. Some women consume alcohol or other drugs to numb the psychic, emotional or physical pain caused by the violence and others turn to religion and meditation prectices. Doctors may prescribe tranquilizers for a battered woman's "nerves". Few women know or are told that minor tranquilizers can be seriously and quickly addictive. It makes the woman less able to act on her own behalf and it gives the assailant a handy tool for discrediting and blaming her.
Some battered women are trapped in battering relationships because of sexism. Barbara Hart states: "The most likely predictor of whether a battered woman will permanently separate from her abuser is whether she has the economic resources to survive without him." Women do not have economic resources equal to or approaching men. Nearly one half of all female headed households with children live in poverty, as compared with only 8% of male headed households. The majority of African American and Latina female headed households live at or below the poverty level. Many battered women cannot find a job and assailants can damage her employment and educational opportunities.
Furthermore, many battered women do leave. Almost all battered women try to leave at some point. For battered women who leave, the violence may just be beginning. Batterers escalate their violence when a woman tries to leave or show signs of independence. Because leaving may be dangerous does not mean that battered women should stay...
Leaving will require strategic planning and legal intervention to avert separation violence and to safeguard survivors and their children.
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This page is an edited version of 20 Reason's Why She Stays - Susan McGee; and re-edited, the content has been extracted from articles found online and personal experiences.
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